So,yeah here's my little story. I hope it's interesting enough.
MY INSTINCTS NEVER LIE
So I’m sitting here on this very uncomfortable church bench, about to witness the love of my life get married to the most pretentious bitch I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. How can he not see her for what she really is? How can anyone not see?. This is not me being jealous and bitter because he broke up with me for something I can only describe as a silly little misunderstanding, and just three months later he decided to get married to this prissy heifer. Ok so maybe I got a little carried away with my keys when I had that nagging feeling he was cheating on me, my instincts never lie. No really, they’ve never been wrong before. Like that time when I was 15 and Emma told mom she had to stay back in school after hours because she was on the debate team and she was a very important member. My instincts told me she was sneaking around with that boy Tony and I was right because 9 months later she dropped the bomb on all of us. She was always slow that one, didn’t she know what a condom was? . Now where was I….oh yes, why Terry broke up with me. I had this nagging feeling Terry was going back to his old ways of being a two timing ass hole and when I have that very annoying nagging feeling, I can’t sleep or get anything done until I get rid of it. I had a feeling it was that red haired waitress at the coffee shop he all of a sudden started visiting much too often for comfort. Why wouldn’t I think something fishy was up? He doesn’t drink coffee for heaven’s sake.
Being the good girl friend I was , I asked him in the calmest way possible why he liked going to that coffee shop so much all of a sudden. He brushed me off and said they had the best muffins in town. Not a very convincing answer. No further questions asked, I decided to get in my Nancy Drew mode and find out what my boyfriend was up to. I asked to go with him and try out these supposedly awesome muffins. He didn’t object because of course if he did, that would look a little fishy wouldn’t it. As soon as we walked in the shop , the red hair bitch almost fell over rushing to be at his service. She slowed down when she saw me behind Terry. They both tried to play it cool but I could tell there was some sort of tension between them. Their muffins weren’t all that. In fact, those where probably the worst muffins I’ve ever tasted in my life….or maybe it’s just because I was very upset that my suspicions were being confirmed. Emma said I was just being paranoid that I should give it a rest. When I told her about the ‘tension’ , she said it was probably a harmless crush and that Terry loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. Like I said, she was always slow. I decided to give them 3 months to get to know each other well. Well enough to possibly start mashing genitals. I mean if she was a decent enough girl , she’d wait at least that long before she got intimate with a guy she just met.
My instincts told me one Saturday morning to tell Terry I had to go out of town for an impromptu business meeting. What? Being a personal shopper is a very important job. Anyway I left the house very early in the morning and went to the far side of town to do a bit of shopping while I waited for Terry to bring his little heifer home. Knowing Terry that’s exactly what he’d do, well that’s what he usually did when he used to be a ‘player’. I got bored of the shops 8 hours later and headed home. On the bus ride home I actually considered the fact that I just might be wrong this time. Terry tolerated me a lot. More than most guys would. For someone who used to screw around a lot , he seemed to have eyes for only me since we started dating. I hopped off the bus in a very good mood , my head buzzing with naughty things I could do to make up for not trusting him. I decided to stop by the little grocery shop a few blocks away from his apartment to buy some potatoes to make pot roast, his favorite. Still in a good mood, half skipping with my bag of groceries in on hand and approaching the apartment, I decided to look up at his window to see what he was up to. I expected to see his silhouette bending over a canvas but NO! .I saw the silhouette of girl in what looked like her underwear. She looked like she was talking to him. I was shocked to say the least and all that rage I let go seemed to rush back in to my lungs. As if that was not enough , I saw him walk towards her and help her put on a shirt. I looked down at my keys in my free hand and a brilliant idea popped into my head. No need walking in there and causing a scene, after all he did say I had quit doing that. So I took my keys and left a very nice present for him on his car. It satisfied me more knowing he’d just gotten the paint job done. I was about to storm back down the street when I realized I hadn’t quite done enough. I decided to be creative with my potatoes. I stuck one in his exhaust pipe, I saw that in a movie once. Classic!.
Long story short, he broke up with me in court. He told me he hadn’t been cheating on me and that what I saw was him giving Katy (that’s the heifer’s name) her shirt back after he’d cleaned it up for her because he had spilled coffee on her. Again, where did the coffee come from?. Everybody is standing up now. I can’t believe I let Emma talk me into coming to this stupid wedding. Just because Katy babysits for her doesn’t mean I should be here. I mean it’s not my kid we’re talking here. She’s walking down the aisle now. Urgh!! Look at her. What an ugly wedding dress. Some people just don’t have taste. Who made her bouquet anyway?.Lilac and pink, really?. Could she walk any slower?
‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here…..’
I’ve always wondered why the priests always say that at every wedding. Couldn’t they be more creative? .I think I’ll just tune out till this silly charade ends. Emma so owes me for this.
‘Do you Terry Anderson, take Katy Summers to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold. In sickness and in health till death do you part?’
‘I do’
Oh he has no idea what he’s getting into, my instincts tell me she’s a manipulative wolf in sheep clothing.
‘Do you Katy Summers, take Terry Anderson to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to hold. In sickness and in health till death do you part?’
‘I do’
How can anyone not see that pretentious smile and how she uses those big brown eyes to hypnotize him?
‘Now if anyone here objects to these two being joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace’
Wouldn’t it be interesting if at this very moment……
Suddenly some burts into the church, panting…..
‘KATY!!!!, what are you doing?, you’re getting married?. I thought we were just on a break’
There’s a grave yard silence all around the church and every head turns to face the intruder….
‘Umm, and who might you be young man’,asks the priest
‘I’m Jason, Katy’s fiance’.
There’s mumbling going on amongst the guests as they exchange puzzled gazes at each other.
HA!! I KNEW IT!!. Ooohoohoo, who’s laughing now?
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